Just the little things

2009-07-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Well...I just realised how small things made such a difference so that you feel better about yourself...

Just a smile, a wave or a message...

I realised perhaps I was neglecting these things...not really thinking about the significance but to someone who desperately needs some reassurance, these things od make such a difference.

I know I owe other people shit-loads of apologies, I mean, I think I over-think it in my mind and it leads to misunderstandings. People won't intentionally do things that are unkind...right?

But how to start..that's really the hard part and strangely if you apologise, it makes you seem like the wrong one when you're technically not...but what if you just want to say 'I'm over this, I was over this ages ago and I hate how this has changed how we think about each other but I don't care about it anymore if it's going to ruin things. I don't care who's to blame, who's right or wrong.'

See that's really different to an 'I'm sorry' because that makes it sound like you are in the wrong.

Maybe the fact that I'm already concerned appearing to be in the 'wrong' shows that I'm not ready to apologise...but these are the technical things

And it's not even to the degree of whether someone's right or wrong. Everyone would have been wrong or right at one stage, it just depends on who was 'more' wrong or 'more' right and for how long....so yeah, I'm not saying I was RIGHT...

*sigh*

There I go again............

Musings 3/6/09

2009-07-03T05:06:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I thought documenting my thoughts was ridiculous and this is exactly what I'm doing. I guess, listening to depressing music does something to you...and your reminiscing skills.

Why start this blog and today?

Well, it's a bit confronting but I guess it's because I'm confused...and that's normal I know but I always thought that to something there was a reason and although I am usually in denial, I do know why I feel or behave in a certain way. Too well in a way that it annoys me, I would like to be ignorant and justify myself but I know that most of my motives are not noble enough to promote...

but I've also been aware that I am aware of that fact, I've accepted it. As much as I am idealistic about the world, what we can achieve in terms of human rights and other issues in making this world a better place, I've also become aware that it's not fair, you have to play by the rules society have set and that you can't become any hero or martyr....the society we live in inevitably corrupts even the purest person....

Which is just another way of me saying that I've become aware that people aren't perfect which I know most people would be like (how could you have not know that!) but truthfully, I had believed that certain people were like this etc...but in actual fact that's not true, some people actually don't have personalities, they adapt, adopt, manipulate so that they become what suits the situation they are in etc...now we all do this at one stage, we are actors on a stage as Shakespeare adequately puts it. We act in our differing roles: student, child, stranger etc...and act a certain way but it just may be that some people don't have an identity to begin with....they are so changeable, so superficial that theire worth in the exterior is great but if you see just past that, there is...nothing

That's a concept I found frightening.....

And I didn't realise it would hurt when you really like someone but you know that she/he/it is actually an underhanded bitch who does things behind people's backs and there is no trust. You feel lost? Not knowing why you even like that person, whether it's been misplaced, whether you're being betrayed....but you can't hate them because they make you feel comfortable around them and happy even...what is that even?

What makes you even close to people? Maybe you have to be, without choice and what if you are only close because you have to be, then is your feelings of friendship false? Then why do you feel good around them?

I, who claim to dislike cliche, is becoming one - the hormonal, confused adolescent, angsty. It was the last thing I had wanted to do. the sole comfort is that people won't find this or read this or at least, not know who I am and even if they do, well what can I do about it? Have been so protective over private thoughts and what? Negative energy just stowed within you...retreating deeper and deeper in your mind...you ignore it, confront it briefly in a show of anger then try to forget it but what if it builds over time? So that for the first time..you become consumed by the feeling, everything you had known and thought about yourself seems to appear correctly for yourself...stark contrast of what you had thought.

Your confidence, self-esteem gone in a heartbeat. What have I been? Why do I struggle or feel? What am I doing? You try so hard to become last in the race....and yet you can't even give up, to be accepted, acknowledged is what I think the reason I'm alive.

Even if by some people that you have been here and that it had been better because of you - that is what ultimately underlines everything I want to achieve. Selfish? yes...selfless? I try to make it so...eventually I'd like to let go of this forever though...I would like to achieve not being tied down anymore. Everyone wants to feel free and why is that so hard to achieve? People try to I think in many ways, expression, artistic, just simple things to try and gain release...

I want to achieve this...inner peace have only been achieved in brief intervals when I'm at church. I stare up at the white-screen and I remember my childhood (I've gone to church all my life) and remember the moments that had been so innocent and warm and relive it in that brief moment I guess and then reality sinks in again. I feel I am so divided, there's a part of me that never grows up, loves Peter Pan, the idea of flying etc...and me that is gradually becoming stone as I age and mature, finding everything so calculatingly, through maturity, being so over things and seeing how immature other things are...the coldness, the incapability to see just the humanity in reason, the adult characteristics, the dogmatic, set in stone attitude...

And I still care so much......

and I know that nothing will change from writing this, but hoped that it would help me vent...

but in the end, it's just the music that's making me so reflective....

I will return myself and this will be tied up nicely in a bundle that i pack away on cyberspace as 'something I had done'

and nothing more

under influences of melancholy music, the cold and loneliness..

And smile, because I'm fine...yeah....

:D

The Spare Oom

Just the little things

Musings 3/6/09